Eleven years….

Wow! Eleven years come and go as of today; a pin prick of a needle, eyes fluttering, not being able to breathe, comas, months in the hospital and then years of recovery. There have been many changes in my life.

I won’t say it’s been easy. I’m still living with HIV and, even though I know there will be a cure in my lifetime, I will continue to live with it till then. I won’t say that I didn’t have a ‘melt down’ this past Sunday either with everything on my mind and knowing that it’s eleven years. I have been emotional and aloof for the past week up until I broke down. Two people that I love, care for, respect, adore and hold close to my heart tighter than they can ever know, reminded me that I’m loved though.

One, not knowing exactly what was wrong with me, in a simple act of giving me a miniature rose, made all the difference in my world Sunday night.

Those few words, “I don’t know what is wrong but I thought of you when I saw this…”

I think if I hadn’t had to help finish cooking I would have run upstairs and broke down crying even more; all happy tears.

I think that my path in my diagnosis probably has made me more emotional. I sit here this morning and I’m teary as I type this but I’m filled with an emotion that I don’t think I felt last year: HOPE!

Hope… and peace.

However, I have a though on dealing with what I deal with on a daily basis. This might be annoying, blasphemous, morbid or repulsive to some but in reality it feels like I’m been mourning the ‘death’ of something.

I’ve been mourning the ‘death of my past life’ prior to my diagnosis.

With the passage of time, as you mourn the passage of a loved one, the pain of ‘losing that person’ slowly ebbs. I guess that is what has been happening to me slowly each year as time passes. I remember the past, my past and mourn but the pain of it all slowly ceases to affect/effect me.

Like a person that has lost a loved one, I still ‘hold on’ to the loss. At the same time, like the grief process and ‘holding’ on to that loss, the pain of the loss makes me forge ahead and continue to carry on with my life. I’ve lost a loved one. I’ve lost the person I was and now deal with the person I am.

The person I am now has to deal with continuing ‘his’ life and continuing to grow, live, love, hope, dream and yearn for a person to love me relationship wise. Just like someone who has lost a loved one, I have to go on. That, in itself, can be hard but it is part of life, part of living and parts of what makes us who we are: Human.

Captain of our fairy band.

Helena is here at hand.

And the youth, mistook by me.

Pleading for a lover's fee.

Shall we their fond pageant see?

Lord, what fools the mortals be!

CHAPTER 33 OF 'TOMORROW' POSTED

MERRY CHISTMAS!

ENJOY THE CHAPTER

TJay

THANKSGIVING

Good morning and Happy Thanksgiving to all...

I know I have not updated here in a couple of months. There's been a lot going on with work and such. I had hoped to have some more writing completed for the Thanksgiving holidays but, alas, things complicated it along with motivating myself.

Most recently, as of this past Monday, it was the untimely death of an acquaintence that was becoming a friend. He was a close friend of many people I know and it hit them hard. It put a pall on my own feelings and motivation.

Be that as it may, I wanted to say many the blessings of life, love and family be yours this Thanksgiving and that you have someone to sup with on this day.

TJay

TOMORROW.... CHAPTER 32 WILL BE OUT THIS WEEK

CHAPTER 32 OF 'TOMORROW' WILL BE OUT THIS WEEK!

I had to split the chapter up into two sections (32 & 33) after getting into so many pages.

I also need to make sure my mind was clear on a couple of things.

Hopefully, you're enjoying the ride...

I'm hoping to have it (along with missing chapters) to Closettales site as well.

TJay

DEATH COMES KNOCKING CHAPTER 11

Hey all!

Well, things are settling in well. I just wanted to let you know that the next chapter of DEATH COMES KNOCKING (CHAPTER 11) is set for publication on the TICKIE STORIES site this coming Thursday.

Let me know your opinions.

TJay

PS... I'm working hard on next chapter of TOMORROW!

Delays, truck and stories

@(!*#^&@&^$&*!&#^~*(^$%!@@#%$$%^%^&*))((& **TCH rear ended me on West Seattle Bridge!!!! Cig in one hand and cell phone in the other... off to get the truck into shop! GOD DAMMIT!

Nearly 3K worth of damage (3rd time I've been rear ended in the past four years)! SIGH!

I am writing. I have nearly 70 pages completed (new and rewrites) on TOMORROW but I'm not even close to being half way through with Chapter 32.

I'm relatively sure everyone has given up on my stuff anyway.

The move and trying to get things settled has taken a toll. I am going about the daily thing and trying to get stories completed. It's just a little hard to write as well when it's been 99 plus (including 103) in Seattle recently. No one wants to write in that!